Energy Drinks

Dear Stacy's friend who works at a convenience store and sent a whole case of energy drinks with her to our office as a promotional thing:

I want to thank you for your generosity in thinking about Stacy and the people she works with. Working in an office all day long can actually be quite draining and sitting in front of a computer all day can literally make people lose all will to actually even move their fingers to type...I think that's why voice recognition software was created. Having liquid energy in 16oz cans sitting in our office fridge is hugely convenient.

Anyway, while I am appreciative of the gesture, I thought I would let you know what happened after consuming my first 6 cans during my lunch hour yesterday.

First of all, I was mildly amused by the moniker of "Earth Shattering Energy" on the can...at first. After the third can or so, I realized that this was no "amusing" matter. Truth be told I am a little concerned that my internal organs may not stop violently spasming. I probably should have stopped after the 5th can as the MRI at the ER last night revealed severe bruising of my brain. They asked if I had been in an accident of some kind because it was like my brain had bounced around in my skull violently for hours. I guess it's a good thing they're low-carb...imagine if I'd had all that sugar too!!!

Also, did you know that one serving of that energy drink has 100% recommended daily values of Niacin (B3), 190% of B6 and 180% of B12? Did you also know that there are 2 servings per can? I guess consuming 1200% of B3, 2280% of B6 and 2160% of B12 in under an hour throws your vitamin balance a little off. I couldn't touch a computer for the rest of the day because my body actually absorbed all the A's, C's, D's and E's off every screen and keyboard I came in contact with. Imagine that! I had the energy and will to work, but COULDN'T!

I did some reading on the symptoms of overdosing on B vitamins, but there is one side effect that I suffered that I couldn't seem to correlate and was wondering if you'd heard of it. After about 2 hours and 8 more cans of energy drink, the two separate hemispheres of my brain seemed to begin operating independantly of each other...and without regard to my willful operation of the finer motor functions of my own body, my right arm ripped my left arm clean off my body and started beating me in the face with it. I ran around the office screaming for help, but no one would come near me. And when I say "ran" I'm using the term loosely. My left leg ran, but my right leg stubbornly stood in one place so really I was just spinning around in circles. Have you ever beaten yourself in the face with your own dismembered arm while spinning in circles and screaming? Apparently others see that is "crazy." The blows must have been pretty forceful too because, although the bruising and cracked bones in my face will heal quickly, I am still having trouble finding the middle and ring fingers of my left arm. I think it is important to note at this point that my right arm was the prosthetic one.

As I can generally be a little crazy at work, it took a while for anyone to realize just how serious a reaction I was having. I must have told them over and over I really needed help, but apparently it was coming out as "FADA BADA BADA BADA BLUH BLUH BLUH FFFF THBBBBBB". While this isn't completely unusual for me in the office, this time I hadn't been on a tech support call for the last hour.

Lastly, I thought it interesting to note that until the final 4 cans yesterday I thought the term "jumping out of my skin" was just a euphimism. Did you know seeing a living human body with no skin can actually make people vomit? Although it probably didn't help that my skeleton wasn't much support for all the meat because it had vibrated to almost complete liquification.

Anyway - sorry to go on and on, but I just wanted to thank you again for thinking of us. Aside from the missing fingers, the doctors seem confident that I will be mostly back to normal after a heart transplant, brain surgery, and after they reapply my skin and re-attach my left arm. I look forward to trying the other flavors of that energy drink!

Proof Positive!!!

I came across irrefutable proof that an Apple is not always a good alternative to Windows:

Ok...so here was the scenario:

I was working in yet another one of our new restaurants and what you're seeing in this picture is what will eventually be a drive-thru window. The drive-thru windows have not yet been installed, so the wooden structure is the solution to keep the windows "closed".

Anyway, out of nowhere, I had this idea to go buy an apple from the convenience store next door (yes, they sell fresh fruit in this convenience store), set it on the window sill and snap a picture and make a joke out of it.

I had another caption I was going to try. "This is what happens when a construction foreman overhears the technical team discussing the possibility of installing an Apple instead of Windows."

Either way, I really thought this was hilarious...I think I laughed about it all dang day....hope y'all get a chuckle out of it!

A month of silence rewarded with laughter

Oh, how silent I've been!

The last y'all heard, I was whining about our truck. Well, the truck got fixed and worked fine for a while. Got stuck again yesterday, but it didn't stay stuck this time, so I am not sure what to think.

But...I decided to see what's been going on in Google Analytics since my last post. And I got a good hearty laugh. It was amusing to me when I saw that Obama scary frightening Halloween actually brought someone to my blog. But the gut busting laughter came with dancing monkey basketballs brain.

WHAT THE HECK??? Dancing monkey basketballs brain. That is so incredibly nutzoid that I can't even imagine what would have possessed someone to type that into Google. What's worse is that there are over 1.2 MILLION search results for that!!! And...of ALL THINGS...I am search result NUMBER TWO. That is just freaking awesome!!!

So what has the last month held for me? Well, mostly work and Chiropractic care. I have been visiting my Chiropractor (also my wife's uncle...so since my back cracker is my wife's uncle, I affectionately refer to him as Uncle Cracker) on a regular basis trying to get some relief from my ever-persistent, never ending sciatic nerve pain and back spasms. The good news is I have been feeling a little better. I have actually had some good days in the past month (by good days I mean days where I didn't necessarily feel like I was in pain all day long). The bad news is that there may not be much more relief than that for me.

You see, another MRI was ordered for me. Turns out my back is getting worse. I guess I am not as closely related to Superman as I'd like to think. All the bending, heavy lifting, and other stupid crap that I think I can somehow do without making my back worse (despite the fact that it DOES put me in excruciating pain) is actually making my back worse (DUH!). So I have to start being a whole lot more careful. Dr Uncle Cracker said I need to avoid lifting things that are over 25 lbs (the computers I order from Dell for our new stores are 25.04 lbs in shipping!!!) I need to avoid doing the things that cause me pain.

It is tough to do that. It's hard to avoid doing things that cause you pain when just about everything you do causes you pain. It's also frustrating to know that you SHOULD be able to do certain things (like help carry some heavy stuff), but you can't because it causes you pain. Right now I am having to do some travelling for work, and it's difficult because the road trips are hard on my back and so are the hotel beds. But...gotta do what I gotta do. I'm going to try to find some good lumbar support for the car and a good mattress topper of some kind for the hotel beds.

So anywho...I just thought I'd post a quick note to let y'all know how I'm doing. I know I've been pretty quiet lately, and it's been mostly because I've been so busy during work that when I get home, I just want to veg out. I haven't had much motivation to blog lately. But, we'll see if I can get back on track.

I'll leave you with this...I found this to be particularly hilarious. I'm not even going to give it an intro other than that...just visit this site.

Google say WHAT?

I'm getting more search engine traffic!

Though - I'm not sure that's something to be proud of. Of course, this site isn't really about anything in specific other than me posting my thoughts and rants and ravings and whatnot. But Google helped get my site some attention with the following search terms:

ant online warehouse (no quotes) - oooooooh...not good for antonline. Though I show up as number 15 for this search, it certainly wasn't a happy post! I still have such a bad taste in my mouth for them that I would absolutely advise AGAINST purchasing with them. They don't have their act together people! You can't reach the people who contact you and they treat you like you're stupid!

Still not holding a grudge...PFFFFFFFT.

And the other search term that brought me some traffic...

dusty turn on hold again (with or without quotes!) - ummmmm...I have no idea what this person might have been looking for. I think they may have just...I dunno...randomly typed a few words into Google and...wow. WHAT? The worst part is that I show up as NUMBER ONE for this search...go ahead, try it! You know you want to. If you haven't already you're just being stubborn...no seriously, you can type it without quotes and I'm number one. You can type it with quotes and it says "No results found..." and then shows the results without quotes. I just don't understand!

Ok, so that was a little fun.

You know - for being just a "fun little blog" I sure have got some wide-spread traffic! I mean, ok...it's probably no big deal. But when I first turned on Google Analytics on my site, I truly anticipated that I'd see a hit here or a hit there and just, you know...whatever. But so far I have gathered traffic from SIXTEEN states and FOUR countries outside the United States. Sure some if it may just be people who happened upon my site and then happened away from my site.

Perhaps it helps that I've started posting more frequently. Whatever it is...I find it really cool.

Anyone else using analytics that has found themselves in awe of what they are seeing?

Most Frightening Halloween Display EVER

Before I post this I have to say:

Rock Chick - I PROMISE...I got these pictures BEFORE your "We the People" post!

I went to Walgreen's yesterday to pick up some stuff Crystal requested and when I walked in I saw something that made me turn around and run screaming from the building walk out to my car and get my camera. Observe what I am calling the most frightening Halloween display EVER!


I swear this isn't photo-chopped people! Go ahead...click on it...blow it up...take a good close look at who's standing next to Freddy and Jason! AND THE SCARIEST IS ON BOTH ENDS! LOL!

I wish I knew if the person who set up this display was being snarky or if they were just thinking "they are dolls, put them all together." Either way...I found it HILARIOUS.

SURPRISE!

NO TRUCK!!!

*Sigh* well, I feel like being nice about it because the guy sounded so apologetic when I called for an update, but apparently getting the brakes fixed on our truck was so time consuming that they couldn't find time to finish the whole airbag light problem. According to the manager, the part for the airbag light thing came in, but not until later in the afternoon. They got whatever needed disassembling disassembled, but they're not quite ready to put it all back together yet. Perhaps they really just forgot how...

So, we will supposedly get the truck back tomorrow. I know they're doing me a favor by fixing my truck, but why do they have to forget that I'm doing them a favor by giving them my business? It's just so frustrating.

On a much less serious note:

I'm not sure how many of my readers are also readers of my wife's blog, but I know there's at least a couple of you out there. For those of you who are NOT my wife's readers, it might behoove you (did I really just use that word?) to check out her post about the 11 boxes of the same thing and get a laugh when she talks about her paranoia of clicking submit incorrectly. She said in her post:

"Pushing that submit button, you must understand, sends a jolt of panic up and down my spine and I click it as quickly and as lightly as I possibly can so as to not awake the multiple-click-submit-button-dragon, angering him and causing him to charge my credit card multiple times."

Well, we were talking about that post today. Of course, knowing my wife, I knew she was being silly and creative and funny. What I DIDN'T know was that she actually is a little paranoid about that submit button! The sites always say "CLICK SUBMIT ONLY ONCE" in big bold letters and it makes her nervous that she's going to do it wrong. She literally clicks it as quickly and as lightly as she possibly can to avoid being misinterpreted by the submit button!

I thought that was funny. So I said, "you seriously do that?"

As if to justify her neurosis, she goes on to say, "well, you have to be careful because what if you lose control of your finger..." I REALLY don't know what she said after that because I was lost in a fit of uncontrollable laughter! I could not stop laughing at the image of someone losing control of that blasted finger that clicks the mouse!

Crystal, I love you with all of my heart...but you need help! Especially if you are having problems with occasionally losing control of your fingers!

I admit there's a chance that you "had to be there" in order for that to be as funny as it really was...but what's worse is as I'm posting this, she's STILL trying to justify that you just never know...it COULD happen!

Pink Jeep License Plate

That's the ONLY Google search that has resulted in a hit on my blog so far. As I told you before I went ahead and installed Google Analytics on my blog so that I could see what's going on with my blog and I was actually kind of impressed. Ok, so I'm not reaching the masses, but I really kinda thought that I was really only typing for me and like 2 readers. (One of those readers being my wife!)

So after a little waiting I finally saw that I had a Google search bring someone to my blog. What I had to say about that abomination of a Pink Jeep obviously wasn't what they were looking for because, according to Google Analytics, their average time on my site was 00:00.

I was just looking at the rest of the information and I am, I have to say, really astounded! So far, have had hits from 10 states within the US and 3 additional countries! I'm an INTERNATIONAL SUPERSTAR!!!

Ok...so maybe I'm not an international superstar, but I'm definitely getting more exposure than I thought!

I just have one question...WHO ARE YOU PEOPLE???

It's enough to turn a man paranoid to know so many people are looking in but so few are actually saying anything...it's like they're sneaking up on me...

Dancing Monkeys - the explanation

I feel as though I owe it to my readers to explain my wife's comment on my "bloggy ideas" post about dancing monkeys.

In case you didn't get to see her response, she said, "I think you should blog about dancing monkeys. Because obviously, they are a driving force to your madness. And then blog about how awesome I am."

You see, I was on the phone with a good friend of mine the other day and I can't remember what spawned me saying this, but I said, "DANCE, MONKEY! DANCE!" I think we were talking about our respective difficult days at work or something and while he was telling me about his day I said it as if I were the organ grinder making his day so difficult.

Well, he let the comment go, but later on in the conversation he said something that made me say it again. Then he said something that indicated disappointment and I said, "CRY, MONKEY! CRY!" I guess I was in a weird mood, but then he said, "That sounds so familiar! Where did you get that?"

I said, "as far as I know, I made it up." Turns out - I didn't.

Ok, so maybe I DID come up with it all my own, because the Google searches I did for the phrase "dance monkey dance" came up with stuff I had never heard of. Over 37,000 hits for the exact phrase "dance monkey dance"!!! Looks like there's games, videos, all kinds of stuff. I could hardly believe it! I was so very disappointed. I was astonished. I was perplexed. I was driving my wife nuts with my absolute awe over the fact that "dance monkey dance" was such a widely used phrase on the internet.

Oh - and my wife is awesome! :-)

Nothing, Something, and an Email Update.

If anyone read my "please help me" blog and didn't comment - SHAME ON YOU! Just kidding...

But now I have to explain someone. That is - James.

Before I go any further, I want to point out a new feature on my blog. I owe the idea to...well...whoever came up with it. But I owe COMPLETION of the idea to both Anna and James who commented on my last post. Of course, James was just being sarcastic. I'll bet he didn't even know he was saying something helpful. But, thanks to Anna letting me know that I could get the code for enabling E-Mail subscriptions to my blog. Now if you look in the upper right hand corner (go ahead and look now) you can type in your email address and get updates to my blog! Anna, I'll see what I can come up with for your blogging ideas, but for now, I have to continue with my verbal thrashing of one of my best friends from high school.

Depending on how you know me, you might already know who James is. If you don't know who he is then before I go on this tirade about his comment on my "please help me" post (link above if you haven't seen it), I want to make it clear that this is a friendly tirade. It's typical of our sense of humor and friendship and now that I know he's visited my site, "it's on!"

All seriousness aside, James is one of the most fluent sarcasm masters I know. And by masters, I mean that was even his major in college and he got his masters in sarcasm. But I guess that's needed in order to teach! That's what he does...he teaches. And I know he had to hone his sarcasm skills in order to teach because I remember the teachers WE had!

James commented that I should continue to blog about having nothing to blog about. Sorry, James. That idea was already used in television. I think it was called "Seinfeld" and you can now catch it in syndication.

He also commented that when he looked at his reader it would tell him that that there was a new blog post about not having anything to blog about. I'm pretty certain that this "reader" is one of his students. James can't read. He has someone he picks out to do his reading for him.

His comment about emailing people when there's new information on my the feed from my blog was intended to be completely sarcastic (trust me, I know him), but little did he know that I can actually do that! And now I have. James, have one of your students put their email address in there so they can let you know when there's more "nothing" on my blog.

He also mentioned using text messages to update people when there's an email about there being a feed about there being more on my blog. This was just a defense mechanism trying to not let on that he can't read. That was actually code for "You should call me when you have a new post! But if it's after school hours, you'll have to read it to me!"

The fact that he mentioned Morse Code is just a façade. It's a fluke he actually mentioned a legitimate, albeit antiquated, method of communication.

Ok - I think I'm done for now.

James, thanks for letting me bully you on my blog. Although you may not have seen it coming, I'm sure you'll take it in stride. In fact, you might even have one of your students type up a blog for you in vengeance!

I'm guessing his comments actually spawned from the fact that I posted a message on my facebook account saying that I had posted a blog looking for ideas on what to post. Hey! In my defense, I was trying to get the word out to the people that I know that I am looking for more ideas on what to blog about. I'm also looking for more exposure, so if you think you know someone who would enjoy my writing, feel free to pass along a link!

Bring on those ideas!

Some Saturday Morning Thoughts

This has been one heck of a week. Just about every day ended with me in a terrible mood for some reason or another. There were a couple of moments that all seemed ok with the world.

Earlier this week I came home from work and sat down in one of my patio chairs to just...sit there. Enjoy the cooler weather that followed Hurricane Ike into Texas. I came really close to blogging about how nice it was outside, but my phone wouldn't let me log into blogger...so I didn't.

My in-laws just closed on their new house. I went for the grand tour. It's nice. I already have plans (with my father-in-law) to wire up their house for networking and even (if I can get my mother-in-law on board) install a projection screen with a projector and surround sound for a REAL theater experience! LOL. Ok...so that last one is not likely to happen.

I also, for the first time in my life, watched a few episodes of Monty Python's Flying Circus last night. Sometimes I can appreciate British humor, though sometimes I am left just shaking my head in bewilderment. What really struck me as "funny" was the fact that for a couple of minutes on this episode last night, there was a conversation taking place almost entirely in French. I'm not sure which is funnier...the fact that I still remembered enough French from high school to understand the entire conversation OR the fact that I was actually laughing at what was taking place because it was funny! British humor in French...now that's classy! 

Oh, did I fail to mention that they were not translating the French conversation? That made me wonder just how many people in England speak/understand French. Later on in the same episode they had conversation in Russian. But they chose to translate the Russian. Which is good for me because I know VERY LITTLE Russian. I learned how to say a couple of phrases while I was stationed in Korea...but nothing complicated.

I think the culmination of horrifics this week, however, was basically the whole day yesterday. While I won't bore you with all the little details, one story line from the day is worth noting. Our new (used) Mazda Tribute decided it didn't want to leave the house yesterday. It started just fine, but when I put it in reverse, it would not move. One wheel...ONE WHEEL...would not turn. My first thought was "did I leave my laptop bag under the wheel?" Yeah right...that would have crushed my laptop bag real quick! My next thought was "could someone have blocked the wheel or something as a gag?" I've seen more bizarre, so it wouldn't have surprised me. My next and final thought before checking to see what was in my way was "Oh my gosh! Is a CHILD under my truck???"

I was on my way home from work the other day and there were some kid's playing in the front of one of the yards. A ball inevitably flew into the street followed by an oblivious child followed by a parent stopping the child. I actually had seen it coming because of the circumstances, so I didn't even have to slam my break...I was already slowing down when it all happened.

Because of this experience, I couldn't help but wonder if somehow at 7:15 in the morning there was a child under my truck and THAT was keeping me from moving. I knew it was irrational, but I checked anyway. 

Thank God...no child under the truck.

I couldn't find ANY reason that the wheel would not turn. It was the passenger side rear wheel that was the culprit. I thought maybe it was the parking break stuck on that wheel somehow...I played with that...didn't fix it. I thought through a list of things to check try...breaks, 4-wheel drive, how about going in drive instead of reverse...NOTHING WORKED.

This vehicle did NOT want to move.

Throughout the course of the day, we called and scheduled a tow truck to come take it to the dealership for diagnostics...I wonder if Dr. Gregory House works as a mechanic too. It was going to be a while before the truck showed up...oh well, what can you do?

How about laugh...like a maniac...when they call to tell you that the tow truck got a flat tire! Not only did our truck not want to leave the driveway...it was now using its supernatural telekinetic abilities to flatten tires on tow trucks!

So they sent a different truck and it was going to be a while again...the tow truck finally showed up right as I was getting home from work (I drove a different vehicle). Apparently tow trucks aren't really set up to pull vehicles from the back. He chained onto the tow hitch on our Tribute and started to pull. It was his only option for pulling from the rear. 

I was concerned. I was afraid that during this maneuver to get the truck onto his tow truck, that rear wheel was either going to start turning again and I'd look like fool (but still send it to the shop because...well...duh!) OR the wheel was going to snap clean off. Neither happened. Our stubborn little Tribute fought the pulley every inch of the way onto the tow truck. But the driver of the tow truck emerged victorious.

I don't know the status of our truck now...I need to call the dealership. But a small fact maybe worthy of mentioning...

I'm NOT superstitious. I don't believe that numbers have some supernatural ability to cause good or bad "luck". It may be interesting to know, however, that our new (used) truck just got its new (new) license plates a few weeks back...and they contain a number that many would consider "unlucky".

Gotta be coincidence...

This Just In...

I know...it's been a while. But I've been busy...

Running for President...

Tell all your friends! :-)

Get Out of My Way!

I have seen a lot of things that have made me wonder if I was daydreaming or if reality was somehow being spliced into an alternate, less believable reality by some rift in the space-time continuum. I had one such occasion just this week.

I was sitting at a traffic light...third in line in the left lane of a one way street. I have seen plenty of people who push the envelope and speed through an intersection only to go through after the lane I was in turned green. That pisses me off...a lot. If I have a green light, I should not be waiting for cross traffic to stop.

Anyway...there was a car that was not speeding through, but somehow (I think) didn't realize that the light had turned. It started through the intersection as the first car in the right lane of the street I was on started to go forward. The result - the driver of the car on my street slamming on his brakes and laying into the horn. The other car stopped abruptly, issued a polite "Oops, I'm sorry" honk...the driver smiled sheepishly and waved at the other driver as he backed into his proper position in his lane behind his red light.

The culprit? A SHERIFF!!! Holy FREAKIN' cow! It was a sheriff! Now I would imagine that MOST of the cops I've seen driving around here would have at least turned on their lights and sped through the intersection...as if to make it look like they were in a hurry to get somewhere and that's why they ran the light. (I have actually seen cops turn their lights on...run a red light and turn their lights off). This guy actually admitted that he was in the wrong and corrected his mistake! Not only that...but I had JUST witnessed someone blaring their horn at a cop and not getting some kind of weird reprimand!

I'm telling you, life doesn't make sense. I just don't think that's something I'll ever witness again. It took some guts for that driver to blast his horn at a cop...but you know what? Good for him! We shouldn't be afraid to stand up for ourselves when we are in the right.

After that...the hole in the space-time continuum sealed back up...

for a short while anyway...

Speaking of Stoopid...

I subscribe to a blog that I think is absolutely hilarious called (The Customer is) Not Always Right. I think that this site is particularly hilarious because, for the most part, you can't make this stuff up! I have been in situations where I have seen and heard the kinds of things on this site and it makes an awesome addition to my blog subscriptions.

I thought about submitting this story to their site, but it really needs the pictures to go with it. First of all, a little back story:

The company I work for was remodeling one of our restaurants. For the illusion of anonymity and for the sake of the people I work for, I have eliminated brand-specific portions of the images below using black rectangles. Other than that, the images are untouched.

Notice in this first picture how there are no registers on the counter, there is a bathroom sink laying sideways on the counter, and behind the counter this is a disassembled shake/ice-cream machine.

You can also see, off to the left, some building materials laying on the counter. If there were any different angle, you'd see missing ceiling tile and wires dangling from the ceiling.




In this next image you can kind of make out the fact that there are unconnected soda syrup hoses on a soda fountain that has no front image, some building materials laying on the counter, and the cabinet underneath is open and shows hoses that are not connected...

It would have been a little more amusing if I'd gotten this picture when one of our maintenance guys was sitting INSIDE this cabinet working on the hose connections.



This next picture shows in just how much disarray our dining room was. There are boxes everywhere, the glass on the front door had gotten broken during the remodel (fortunately, there was already a plan to replace those doors) and you can see construction equipment outside (a sky lift or something like that).

There are obviously boxes everywhere and the place needs a diligent cleaning from all the sawdust and whatnot on the floor.




And lastly, in this final picture, you can see another part of the dining room that shows evidence of a remodel going on. Notice the shop-vacuum, the numerous boxes, cleaning supplies, a construction dumpster outside...the works.

Outside there is also a marquee/reader-board sign below our main sign that says "Closed For Remodel".

At this point, I think it is pretty well established that this restaurant was closed...for a remodel. I was sitting in the dining room working on my computer (I'm a tech and I was following up on some support emails). A guy parks in our lot (on the side with the sky lift and construction dumpster. Walks in and stands at the front counter for about 30 seconds looking around and then turns around and asks me...

"Are they open?"

Are you kidding me??? I very seriously wanted to say, "Yeah, they are. Someone will be with you shortly," and then see just how long he'd stand there. Or...I wanted to pick up the sink and throw it at his head because, likely, I wouldn't do much damage to his brain AND I would feel better. Unfortunately, there are times when what I want to do, and what is professional are very different things. So I just said, "I'm sorry, sir. They are closed for remodeling."

Oh well...I guess if it weren't for people like that guy, people like me wouldn't have as much to laugh at.