Thursday, April 30, 2009

Energy Drinks

Dear Stacy's friend who works at a convenience store and sent a whole case of energy drinks with her to our office as a promotional thing:

I want to thank you for your generosity in thinking about Stacy and the people she works with. Working in an office all day long can actually be quite draining and sitting in front of a computer all day can literally make people lose all will to actually even move their fingers to type...I think that's why voice recognition software was created. Having liquid energy in 16oz cans sitting in our office fridge is hugely convenient.

Anyway, while I am appreciative of the gesture, I thought I would let you know what happened after consuming my first 6 cans during my lunch hour yesterday.

First of all, I was mildly amused by the moniker of "Earth Shattering Energy" on the first. After the third can or so, I realized that this was no "amusing" matter. Truth be told I am a little concerned that my internal organs may not stop violently spasming. I probably should have stopped after the 5th can as the MRI at the ER last night revealed severe bruising of my brain. They asked if I had been in an accident of some kind because it was like my brain had bounced around in my skull violently for hours. I guess it's a good thing they're low-carb...imagine if I'd had all that sugar too!!!

Also, did you know that one serving of that energy drink has 100% recommended daily values of Niacin (B3), 190% of B6 and 180% of B12? Did you also know that there are 2 servings per can? I guess consuming 1200% of B3, 2280% of B6 and 2160% of B12 in under an hour throws your vitamin balance a little off. I couldn't touch a computer for the rest of the day because my body actually absorbed all the A's, C's, D's and E's off every screen and keyboard I came in contact with. Imagine that! I had the energy and will to work, but COULDN'T!

I did some reading on the symptoms of overdosing on B vitamins, but there is one side effect that I suffered that I couldn't seem to correlate and was wondering if you'd heard of it. After about 2 hours and 8 more cans of energy drink, the two separate hemispheres of my brain seemed to begin operating independantly of each other...and without regard to my willful operation of the finer motor functions of my own body, my right arm ripped my left arm clean off my body and started beating me in the face with it. I ran around the office screaming for help, but no one would come near me. And when I say "ran" I'm using the term loosely. My left leg ran, but my right leg stubbornly stood in one place so really I was just spinning around in circles. Have you ever beaten yourself in the face with your own dismembered arm while spinning in circles and screaming? Apparently others see that is "crazy." The blows must have been pretty forceful too because, although the bruising and cracked bones in my face will heal quickly, I am still having trouble finding the middle and ring fingers of my left arm. I think it is important to note at this point that my right arm was the prosthetic one.

As I can generally be a little crazy at work, it took a while for anyone to realize just how serious a reaction I was having. I must have told them over and over I really needed help, but apparently it was coming out as "FADA BADA BADA BADA BLUH BLUH BLUH FFFF THBBBBBB". While this isn't completely unusual for me in the office, this time I hadn't been on a tech support call for the last hour.

Lastly, I thought it interesting to note that until the final 4 cans yesterday I thought the term "jumping out of my skin" was just a euphimism. Did you know seeing a living human body with no skin can actually make people vomit? Although it probably didn't help that my skeleton wasn't much support for all the meat because it had vibrated to almost complete liquification.

Anyway - sorry to go on and on, but I just wanted to thank you again for thinking of us. Aside from the missing fingers, the doctors seem confident that I will be mostly back to normal after a heart transplant, brain surgery, and after they reapply my skin and re-attach my left arm. I look forward to trying the other flavors of that energy drink!


The Rock Chick said...

OMG Dustin, this was TOOOO funny!!! I could totally envision what you wrote actually happening.

I'm telling you, after that ER trip with my daughter after one energy drink, those things are dangerous! I've banned them here!!

Speaking of tech support, my mouse at work had gone kaput and I called for a new one. The guy asked me "what color is your mousepad?" I said, blue and why....he thinks red ones interfere with the mouse. Never heard such a thing and I find it hard to believe......hmmmmmmmm

Chris the Crazy Conservative said...

Just so everybody knows, this is probably a normal day for Dustin. Nothing here I haven't seen on many occassions... well, maybe not the skin thing.

James said...

"FADA BADA BADA BADA BLUH BLUH BLUH FFFF THBBBBBB?" I haven't heard you say that since 8th grade English.

Nicole said...

Wow... that's terrifying!

I refuse to drink energy drinks. I don't feel like having my heart explode. I don't think my husband would enjoy cleaning up a mess like that.

Seriously though... those drinks are dangerous! So many people drink them to stay awake and those people are always in a world of their own. It's as if they are smoking something...